As a frequent listener of hip-hop, I often find myself singing things that make no sense. Things that nobody has ever said ever, and if they did, would be rightfully shunned. Therefore, as my opening post for my brand new shiny blog, I am offering the five most unnecessary, unthinkable, yet ultimately unbeatable hip hop lyrics out there, as I see them.
Feedback welcome, additions welcome. Terrible writing is for all of us to enjoy.
5. Song: My Chick Bad Artist: Ludacris Year: 2010
Lyric: She slides down the pole like a certified stripper.
Problem: Is there a certification process for strippers? As far as I can tell, it's pretty easy to become a stripper if you have open availability (see what I did there?). I like to imagine a series of written tests, perhaps an eye exam that actually makes sure you can't see very well, as to prevent actually making eye contact while sliding down the pole. Imagine the distraction when you see an old boyfriend/teacher/family member as you are mastering the muscle isolation of your buttcheeks. Not pretty.
4. Song: Promiscuous Artist: Timbaland and Nelly Furtado Year: 2007
Lyric: Timbaland: Baby we can keep it on the low. Let your guard down ain't nobody gotta know
Problem: Excuse me, what kind of girl do I take you for? A promiscuous one. Promiscuous. I've
said it a hundred times. Promiscuous. It's the name of the song and it's in the chorus. Did you think
I thought otherwise? I thought we were negotiating a sexual interaction here. Wow, mood: killed.
You've made me look like a creep. Thanks Madame Furtado, I'll take my brazen come-on that's slightly insulting elsewhere.
3. Song: I'll make love to you Artist: Boys II Men Year: 1994
Lyric: Girl, get ready. It's gon' be a long night.
Problem: I don't know if there is a less convincing sex pitch than, "Brace yourself, lady. This is going to be grueling." Nobody wants a "minute man," however, everyone likes to have some agency over how long the sex is going to be, and NOBODY likes soreness/chaffing/excruciating pain the next day. The song continues with "Throw your clothes/On the floor. I'm gon' take my clothes off too." Well, let's hope so, chief. This sex is going to be pretty awkward if I'm the only one naked: seems a little superfluous to let me know that you will take your clothes off when I've already agreed to sex. I'm not a stripper, or at least not a certified one.
2. Song: Don't Let Go Artist: En Vogue Year:1996
Lyric: If I could wear your clothes, I'd pretend I was you. And lose control.
Wow, that's some Single White Female shit. I'm not sure I would be convinced, as this young woman's friend, that pursuing a romantic relationship wouldn't end with her wearing my skin. Sure, that shows a certain amount of, um, passion--but so does boiling someone's bunny.
Her: Don't you want to be more than friends?
Him: Um, well I could consider it--
Her: Good cuz sometimes I picture wearing your clothes and getting all sexy with myself--
Him: Wow, look at the time!
Ladies, imagine if a man said that to you. I'm pretty sure a restraining order would quickly follow.
1. Song: Power Artist: Kanye West Year: 2010
Lyric: I don't need your pussy bitch, I'm on my own dick.
Oh, Kanye. I don't really mind the misogyny and graphic nature of this lyric. I mind the direct contradiction that comes after. "Where the bad bitches, huh, where y'all hiding?" Wait, you just said you didn't need me (or rather my sexual organ)? Now you "got the power make you're life so exciting?" With what, skydiving? I'm hardly inclined towards a sexual encounter when you've JUST SAID you're cool with masturbating over sex with me. Have at it, Mr. West. Imma gonna go see what Wiz is doing.
BUUUUUUUUURN.
It's not hip-hop but: "Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?" . . . Everyone. Everyone needs their potentially-breakable heart or they will die from lack of oxygen to the brain.
ReplyDeleteI consider Tina a hip-hop/pop hybrid. (Hip...pop?). Yeah, most things we need can be broken. Seems a little logically fallible to suggest otherwise.
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